If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
sex in a hospital.. check
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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