I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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