I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
