there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
