There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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