lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
This baby is an asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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