Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
