there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
