part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
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Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
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also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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