Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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