what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
