How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
