i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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