We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
