Joe is yelling at the trees again.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
