I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
