she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
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I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
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I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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