I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
