I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
