Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
