so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
