Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
