i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
