I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
