did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
