If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you win again, gameday.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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