i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
