I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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