I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
