i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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