i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
So many bounce houses so little time
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
