I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
