i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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