I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
