Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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