I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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