So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
