Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I lost the right to judge tonight
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
