If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
We're too hungover to prance.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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