what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
