I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
