Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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