The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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