I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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