You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
