let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
