Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
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On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
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There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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