I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
