The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
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