I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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