Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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