I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
