Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
