I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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