I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
