im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
