mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
