i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
